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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28276212">Could You Hold My Hand, And Could You Carry Me Through No Man's Land?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immortal_Enby_Archivist/pseuds/Immortal_Enby_Archivist'>Immortal_Enby_Archivist</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Penumbra Podcast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Happy birthday Juno Steel, Hurt/Comfort, Juno has nightmares about Benzaiten and Nureyev comforts him, Nightmares, Other, POV First Person, POV Juno Steel, Spooning, Will I ever stop writing about Juno getting coddled by Nureyev? Probably not</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:09:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,429</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28276212</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Immortal_Enby_Archivist/pseuds/Immortal_Enby_Archivist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Juno and Nureyev are used to getting nightmares. Thank God they have each other to rely on.<br/>Title is from Fight For Me, from the musical Heathers</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Could You Hold My Hand, And Could You Carry Me Through No Man's Land?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>CW for nightmares, panic attacks, implied ptsd, survivor's guilt, and semi-suicidal ideations (aka Juno's whole "It should have been me" line of thought).</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I'm not a stranger to nightmares. When you lead the kind of life I've had, the monsters lurking in your mind will find a way to get to you, one way or another. Even having someone sleeping next to you isn't enough to keep them at bay. </p><p>It was a common occurrence for one of us to wake up screaming, and for the other to comfort him. The recurrence of this didn't however make it any less unpleasant.</p><p>My name is Juno Steel, and that night I awoke with a start, squeezing the blankets in my fists so hard, my knuckles hurt.</p><p>"Love? What's wrong?"</p><p>Nureyev's drowsy voice reached my ears as if through a glass wall. Ben's voice resonated in my mind, drowning out everything else. 'It's your fault I died. If you had stayed I would be alive by now. It should have been you.' </p><p>An unspeakable tightness squeezed my lungs, and I started hyperventilating, tears freely rolling down my cheeks. By now, Nureyev knew the routine: he turned on the light and enveloped me in a warm embrace, lying down with me resting on top of him. I felt his touch like in a dream, or a faded memory.</p><p>"It was just a nightmare, Juno. You're safe, now. You're with me."</p><p>I clutched his shirt, loudly sobbing and whimpering. "It should have been me. It should have been me." I said, over and over again, until the meaning of those words faded from my mind, leaving only the feeling they provoked in me. "It should have been me." I repeated, barely registering that I was saying it at all.</p><p>Nureyev ran a hand through my hair, rocking me back and forth and stroking my back affectionately. "No, love."</p><p>"I didn't deserve to live. Ben did. Ben deserved to live, I didn't, and now I'm alive and he's dead and it's my fault and mom should have shot me, then he'd be still alive and everything would be okay. Everything would be okay." </p><p>"You're not thinking straight. You're not to blame. It's not a sin to survive."</p><p>I shook violently, burying my face in Nureyev's chest. He was right, I wasn't thinking straight. I thought I had made peace with what happened all those years ago, but there were times like that night, where it all just came crashing down. Crushing guilt smothered me, and Ben's voice... God, Ben's voice. It echoed in my ears. Furious. Sad. Disappointed.</p><p>'You left me alone to die. You left me behind with our mother, and look at what happened. Because of you.'</p><p>I weakly shook my head. "No, no..." I whispered, squeezing my eye shut until my head hurt, to drive away the noise. It didn't work.</p><p>"Juno, listen to me."</p><p>His voice reached through my daze, weak, but present.</p><p>"Focus on my words, dear. Listen to me carefully."</p><p>It was hard to hear him through my sobs, but I pricked up my ears.</p><p>"You're okay. You're on our ship, in our bed, and you're with me. The past is long gone and can't hurt you now. You're not a monster, you never have been and you never could be. I love you so, so very much, my sweet little girl."</p><p>I was shaking so badly, the whole bed seemed to tremble at every movement I made. The lack of oxygen made me feel light-headed, and this made me panic even more, which lead to less air flowing in my lungs, in a vicious cycle.</p><p>"Now breathe with me, Juno. Do you think you can do that for me?"</p><p>I nodded, sniffling loudly.</p><p>"Very good, baby. Inhale, and exhale, just like this. Yes, exactly, you're so good, sweetheart."</p><p>Something about the combination of following his breathing and clinging to his pet names cleared my head. My lungs finally expanded enough to not make me feel like I was about to faint at any given second. My heart was beating so fast, I was sure even Nureyev could feel it; it felt as if it was going to give out any second now.</p><p>"There, that's it, deep breaths." Nureyev's hands rubbed soothing circles on my back, as his voice slowly pulled me out of my panic attack.</p><p>It took twenty full minutes for my sobs to turn into soft whimpers. He never stopped murmuring sweet nothings to me for a second, rocking me back and forth like a child. "Very good, Juno. You're doing great, love. Oh, my little baby, it's okay, you're safe now. I will always protect you."</p><p>When I could finally think straight, I let go of his shirt and croaked out a "Thank you", voice hoarse from the continuous crying.</p><p>He planted a kiss on my hair, reaching towards the nightstand to give me a tissue. "Don't even mention it." He pressed the tissue on my nose, with unspeakable tenderness. "Blow, love."</p><p>In normal circumstances I would have protested that I was able to blow my nose on my own, thank you very much, but at that moment I didn't have any energy left in me. Still shivering, I blew my nose.<br/>
Nureyev threw away the tissue and wiped a tear from my face with his thumb. "So good, my little girl." He wrapped his arms around me, trapping me against his chest. I buried my face in his shirt once more, basking in the warmth of his body against mine. "Do you wanna talk about the dream?"</p><p>I nodded, nuzzling against his chest like a cat. "I was... I was walking in a cemetery and there was Ben's grave, and he clawed his way out of the earth, wound blackened and oozing slime, and he said that it was my fault he was dead, that-" My voice got caught in my throat and it took me a while to push those words out of my vocal chords. Nureyev was patient, waiting for me to continue. "... That it would have been better if mom had killed me. That I should never have left him alone like that. That-" I choked back a sob and shut my eye, my face pressed on his chest. If he was uncomfortable in this position, he was doing a damn good job not showing it.</p><p>"Juno, that wasn't your brother talking. You know he would have never thought anything remotely similar to that, let alone say it." He stroked my hair affectionately. "It was just your mind playing tricks on you, I swear. I got you, love. I always will."</p><p>I lifted my head, chin resting on his chest. My eye was puffy and sore, still filled with tears, and it was probably significantly reddened; I couldn't stop hiccuping; dehydration started to get to me, and my head hurt like hell.</p><p>Nureyev seemed to have read my mind. "Be right back, honey." He carefully lifted me up, lowering me gently off of him before standing up and leaving the room.</p><p>I barely had time to panic at the idea of being alone with my thoughts, before he came back with a tall glass of water. "Drink up, love. Slowly."</p><p>I gulped down half of the water in one go, before heeding his advice and sipping on it. Meanwhile, Nureyed hadn't stopped talking to me: his voice made for a pleasant distraction from the noise in my head.</p><p>"That's good, Juno, keep it up. There, love, let me-" He took the empty glass out of my hands and placed it on the nightstand. "How are you feeling, baby?"</p><p>"Tired." I whispered out, slumping against the pillows.</p><p>"Oh, you poor thing. Get inside the covers."</p><p>I complied, welcoming with relief the warmth of the blanket.</p><p>"Turn around, on you side."</p><p>I did what he asked; now I wasn't facing him. He turned off the lights and slid under the covers pressing his body against my back; strong arms encircling my torso, lips kissing the back of my head.</p><p>"You did great today, Juno. I'm so proud of you."</p><p>"I'm sorry." </p><p>He sighed, pressing his forehead against my head. "You held my hand through more panic attacks than I can count. You refused to leave my side for hours, as I shook and shivered and yelled until my throat was sore. What makes you think I wouldn't do the same for you,  without so much as blinking, whenever necessary?" </p><p>As I closed my eye, feeling sleep overtaking me, I placed my hands over his. "I love you, Nureyev..."</p><p>He kissed the nape of my neck, wrapping his legs around mine. "I love you too, darling."</p>
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